The ancient Greeks had 8 words for Love. They used Eros for romantic/erotic love, Phileo for brotherly love, Storge for familial love, Ludus for playful/flirtatious/crush love, Pragma for enduring love built on commitment, Agape for universal, godly love, Philautia for the love for oneself and Mania (which, being obsessive, I question as being love at all.) Before one can love someone else, that person has to love themselves. The extent to which one can love themselves is also their upper limit of being able to love someone else. So being able to love oneself is pretty important.
Whenever I ask a therapy client what traits they most like about themselves, they very often say they like how kind and giving and selfless they are. But many of these same people have a really hard time standing up for themselves. They are comfortable standing up for others, but not themselves. This implies that they see other people (who they will go to bat for) as being more important than they themselves are.
But nobody is more worthy than you are.
Of course, nobody has less worth than you do either, but the point is that if your friend, or partner or grandchild is worthy enough for you to stand up for, then you are also worthy enough for you to stand up for yourself.
"...you can’t offer a drink from an empty glass. The more you love yourself, the more you are able to love others."
What do you do for the people you love “just because?” Your love for them is reason enough. What do you do for yourself just because you would love it? Are there times when you spend a little extra money on your beloved but you would not even consider spending the same amount on yourself? I think for most of us this is true. Women are especially prone to this because we are taught to put other people’s needs above our own, and to feel guilt or shame if we attend to our own needs.
But you can’t offer a drink from an empty glass. The more you love yourself the more you are able to love others.
"If we want a change in behavior, criticism is far less effective than reinforcing the behavior we want more of."
Do you speak to yourself like you would speak to someone you love? Are you speaking words of encouragement or frequently criticizing yourself? Do you criticize your loved one like that? I hope not. If we want a change in behavior , criticism is far less effective than reinforcing the behavior we want more of, so fault-finding is a bad idea whether you are finding the fault in your beloved or in yourself. You already know your beloved is not perfect—and neither are you. So highlighting the imperfection is unneeded.
Forgiveness is important in your relationships with others; do you forgive yourself? You are not perfect, but then neither is anyone else. You will not be able to avoid mistakes.
You can learn from them. You can embrace them in front of others and role-model authentic acceptance of yourself-- with all your foibles. You can only do that if you release yourself from the expectation that you will get it all right all the time.
Are you aware of what your needs are? It’s hard to get your needs met (by yourself or others’ whose help you enlist) if you don’t know what they are. Notice how much sleep you function best on and make every effort to get it. Notice what foods you thrive on and prioritize eating those foods. You know the importance of exercise, but do you really make sure you are moving enough in your daily life?
"The more we cultivate loving ourselves, the healthier we are likely to be and the more joy we will have in our lives."
And this may be one of the most important ways to love yourself: prioritize relaxation. Meditate. Challenge your negative thoughts. Breathe in a way to reduce anxiety. Play. Fun is important; it gets you out of your logical/thinking brain into the creative part, which is also associated with getting out of Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fall and into Rest/Digest/Create: the state associated with being calm. As in not anxious. The vast majority of us seem to spend most of our time being anxious, and even when everything is going great, many of us still look for something to be anxious about. I believe it is a habit. Like any habit, we have to make conscious changes to get rid of the habit. Loving yourself helps you get into this Rest/Digest/Create state, but getting into the state also allows us to love ourselves more.
The more we cultivate loving ourselves, the healthier we are likely to be and the more joy we will have in our lives, which we then spread to those around us.
You are worthy of your own love!
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