Do you ever feel like someone wants you to be someone you aren’t? I know how that feels!
I’ve written a novel titled The Color of Winter Wheat. I’m a mental health therapist and wanted to explore how a man with Borderline Personality Disorder would present in the world.
A lot of men more accurately diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder get misdiagnosed as Anti-Social Personality Disorder. I started the novel with my main character sitting in front of the house he’d grown up in, having returned to Las Vegas, NV for his mother’s funeral.
assumptions
I was going to a writer’s conference and decide to take the opportunity to have a couple of professional writers critique it. I opened the written critiques with excitement when I got them in the mail. One writer was very supportive, told me what she liked and suggested some things I could do to make it better. The other writer didn’t like it at all.
When I got to meet with her at the conference, I found out why. She said that when she saw my name, which was Novella Webster at the time, and she opened the manuscript, she was expecting a “Lemony-snicket” ( as in …”A Series of Unfortunate Events” children’s novels) kind of a manuscript. She’d decided before she’d finished the first page (of the 100 pages I sent) that I had not accomplished the writing goal I’d set for myself.
Of course, that was not the writing goal I’d set for myself. I’d written a serious psychological story of growth. Apparently, she wasn’t able to shift her expectation even by the end, even suggesting that I change my name!
I think Novella Webster is a great literary name for a writer. One’s name is tightly tied to one’s identity. It seemed she was saying that I couldn’t be me (Novella Webster) and express myself by writing the kind of stories I wanted (serious psychological stories of growth.)
Fortunately, I was aware that doing what she wanted would have been constrictive. I told other people about it, and all of them were supportive of me writing the stories I wanted under my own name. Most were astonished that she thought readers would bring her bias to my stories.
“The assumptions others have of us should never supersede our own awareness of whether that belief gives us more life or less. ”
The assumptions others have of us should never supersede our own awareness of whether that belief gives us more life or less. We can feel free to listen to someone else’s idea about who we are or what we should feel or do. But each of us can be aware for ourselves what is right for us. In fact, we each are the only ones who can know what is best for ourselves.
We all grew up with caregivers (parents, teachers, other adults) telling us what we should and should not do. So at some point we have to learn how to recognize when someone else’s ideas of us just are not in sync with our best. That can be a pretty scary recognition, because we are taught from an early age to defer to adults. They know best. They are the guardians of all knowledge. And those adults, even caring adults, often see our standing up for who we recognize ourselves to be as rebellion. So most of us are not taught HOW to recognize what is good for us.
“One of the easiest ways to recognize what is good for us is to notice how the thought of something (or doing that thing) makes you feel. ”
recognition
One of the easiest ways to recognize what is good for us is to notice how the thought of something (or doing that thing) makes you feel. Do you feel like a victim? Do you feel shame or guilt at the idea (either about doing what you would like to or Not doing it because you are conforming to someone else’s view)? Do you feel small? Incompetent? Constrictive? OR do you feel expansive? Do you feel good about yourself? Do you feel in alignment with yourself? Does it give you joy? Do you have more life? Or less?
Fear can be mixed in with all of that, especially if you are moving into new territory, maybe learning a skill? Not every great musician started playing music like it was second nature. Many times we start learning something and at first it is scary. And then we become aware that we LOVE doing it, even when we have challenges getting better at it. But we feel our life is in harmony. Even when other people are telling us we aren’t very good at it or that there is no way you can make a living at it, or nobody will accept you if you keep going down this path. But we know this is our path; this is in harmony with who we are.
“Notice how you feel throughout the day . . .”
So notice how you feel throughout the day. Notice whether something gives you more life or less. Embrace life and be the best version of yourself you can be.
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